Sadly, this post has little to do with Stephen Bishop’s beautiful song from the 1982 film, “Tootsie”. This is a little more stark.
Maybe the HR person at that new company didn’t hire you because their company is biased against people who look like you. Then again, maybe it’s because your resume isn’t good enough.
Maybe the girl you had your hopes and dreams pinned on was with another guy Saturday night because she’s a horrible person. Then again, maybe she found being around you to be complete agony.
Maybe your kid’s hockey coach doesn’t play him more often because he’s getting paid off by the parents of the rich kid who’s getting more ice time. Then again, maybe your kid isn’t very good.
Maybe the reason your last ad campaign didn’t sell a lot of widgets was because the market is finicky, the weather was bad on the day of the sale or everyone was at home watching the championship game. Then again, maybe your last ad campaign just stunk.
I think it happens when we’re kids. Our parents, in a kindhearted but misguided attempt to insulate us from self-esteem issues, convince us that we’re all special and we’re all gifted. As we get older, when faced with failures, we create lists in our head of the reasons why those things didn’t go the way we’d hoped. Seldom do those lists include items like “Maybe it’s me.”
The “it’s not me, it’s them” mentality is dangerous because by placing the blame on others, we avoid having to improve ourselves. It gets us off the hook, and we get to find more pleasant things to do than take a hard look in the mirror and admit that maybe everything isn’t sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.
When we blame the HR guy, we don’t have to trash our resumes and start over (or apply for jobs that are more suited to our qualifications). When we blame the girl, we don’t have to figure out the things that other people might find unattractive. When we blame the coach, we don’t have to develop the parenting skill required to tell our kids they’re not going to be the next Wayne Gretzky. When we blame the market, we don’t examine the deficiencies in our own offerings.
We could work harder, develop more skills, learn more, and do the things it takes to reduce the chances of failing again. Or, we can blame the other guy.
I’ve made a million mistakes. Some of them were very expensive mistakes that cost me (and other people) a lot of money. Some were mistakes of the heart that ended up hurting people. Still others were mistakes I made when I was battling various demons (that we’ll talk about one day when I’m ready) that caused untold harm.
The problem I’ve faced in my life is that I always blame myself for my failures – even things that couldn’t possibly be my fault. On some levels, I envy the people who always blame others first – it almost seems like a skill worth developing for all the anguish it saves.
How about on your end? When things don’t work the way you planned, where does the word “mine” come on that list you carry around called “Who should I blame for this?”
…because I hate to be the one to break it to you…but every once in a while? It’s you.
Love this. We do need to hold the mirror up and look at what we’ve contributed to the situation. I can’t stand the victim mentality. Can. Not. Stand it.
I have a friend who said to me that “conflict begins at the moment we realize the other person isn’t following our copy of the script.” That could very well be THEIR fault for reading it wrong; could also be OURS for not distributing it. But people who insist on being victims just get in their own way. Then again, people like me who always assume that everything is their fault often end up paralyzed by the fear of screwing up AGAIN.
That great speaker at 140conf last week? It’s you.
Benjamin, you’re very kind. Needed to hear that. Thanks.
The victim mentality is hard to watch, as is self-sabotage. It pains me when people can’t see when they themselves are the obstacle to the things they say they want…sometimes repeatedly. I’ll happily admit I’m great at a few things, good at a few more and lousy at a generous collection of others. ; )
Jen you’re 100% right – “self-sabotage” is a great way of putting it. Thanks for adding that. Then again, I think some people with victim mentalities use it as a means of collecting support.
Oh, certainly. The only thing better than being a victim of some power you can’t control, again, is to have a dozen people hold your hand and commiserate with you over your bad luck. ; P
For you young people, placing blame (on yourself or on others) is a luxury old folks like me don’t have. If there is screw up I have to fix it fast because one never knows when that last grain of sand will drop through life’s hourglass, leaving no time to rectify the issue. I’ve learned over time that life is not fair and there is nothing that can be done to change that, except to do your best with whatever comes your way. Ok, go into the closet and let out a scream of frustration, then step out clear minded and go make it right. Life is too short to play the victim or be played by the victim. As a famous ad says, “Just do it”, get on with your life, it is the only one you have.
I believe there is a certain amount of self-blame which goes with a perfectionist of any quality. The ‘certain amount’ being quite high, in fact. ‘It must be right’ doesn’t leave much room for unaccounted interference. A good perfectionist also knows it’s not always done right the first time, and there is always a better way. When something isn’t right, it needs to be fixed – the reason isn’t ‘to blame’, but the source for the need to correct. Especially if the source is the actions of yourself.
Failure, while not always seen as our friend, may be our best friend. It provides the perfectionist with an enormous opportunity to learn , maybe more than there is to learn from success. Then why to so many people hate failure? Is it because they don’t know what to do with it?
That may just need to be a question for another day.
That’s a question that requires more coffee, Jeff – but I’m gonna tackle it. I appreciate you jumping in, and the kind words in the link too.
Well,
I renounced the idea of self esteem somewhere in my late teens. It gave me something to feel sorry about when things didnt go MY way. The truth is most things don’t go YOUR way they are a compromise with the rest of humanity. Own the things u can control and don’t overeact on things u don’t.